The Damage We Parents Do…
Two sisters grow up. Anna becomes a raging alcoholic. When asked why she says, “My dad drank, my mom drank, their was alcohol everywhere in our house, at every event, nothing happened without booze and it just ran havoc through my life. How else would I have turned out. I didn’t have a chance.”
Her sister Ashley becomes a strict teetotaler. When asked why she says, “My dad drank, my mom drank, their was alcohol everywhere in our house, at every event, nothing happened without booze and it just ran havoc through my life. It even consumed my sister. How else would I have turned out? It was a no brainer.”
When you hear that story, you may be tempted to judge Anna as a failure, and admire Ashley for her sensible choice.
But if you think about it for a while, you’ll see that neither of them chose freely. Both of them were reacting to circumstances. Yes, they reacted in different ways, and in the long run Ashley will probably have an easier life.
But she didn’t freely choose to avoid alcohol. Her teetotalling was driven by what she saw.
The lesson?
Consider that every ‘choice’ you’ve made in your life is a reaction to circumstances, to what happened to you, to what someone did to you, or said to you. Watch a six year old child around their parents, especially if the parents are fighting, or upset about something. The child takes it all in. She processes it all. She feels the fear or sense the anger. She has a reaction and it scares her. It goes into her and becomes part of her. As an adult, does she remember the fight, or the incident? Probably not. How much do you remember of every day of your sixth year of life? But it’s there. It’s why you love roller coasters. Or why you hate roller coasters. It’s why you hate people who are loud. Or can’t stand people who are quiet, shy wusses. It’s why you want to marry someone who’s exciting. Or someone who’s solid and sensible.
I’m not sure how much the past impacts every single aspect of your life. I don’t know if it is why you prefer chicken to ribs. But it’s worth considering that everything you are doing tinted and warped by your past.
I know you have reasons. We all have reasons. But a thousand psychological studies have shown that we invent our reasons after we make our decision. We choose our politicians within 30 seconds, based entirely on their demeanour, voice, appearance, etc.. And then we create all kinds of reasons as to why we will vote from them. Some sound sensible, “I like his stand on free trade.” Some are more revealing, “He comes across as being a steady hand.” Or “She’s dynamic and fresh and she’ll shake things up.”
Why does one voter crave a steady hand and the other wants to shake things up? They both live in the same country, in the same city, with the same problems and opportunities. Shouldn’t they agree on what’s needed?
It’s easy to see this mechanism at work in a person who is extremely anxious. Everything they do is designed to protect, to shield, to control the world and reduce anxiety. Their jobs, their social life (or lack of it) is all driven by fear. Every moment of their life is coloured by it.
They don’t see it of course. To them it’s just sensible precautions anyone should take in this modern, dangerous, scary, every changing world. (The same world that is far safer than at any other point in history.)
Consider instead that you have the same thing going on. It’s affecting everything you do. Everything. You just can’t see it.
Now you might be asking, “How do I identify what’s affecting my decisions so I can eliminate it, so I can eliminate bias, so I can make sensible choices, rather than choosing emotionally or illogically, and then having to justify why I voted for Brian Mulroney.”
You can’t.
Not easily.
The only thing you can do is be aware that every decision you make, every opinion you have, every belief, is biased, filtered, tainted and tinted.
And of course, the world then shows up the way you believe it is.
How’s that again?
The world is, as you believe it is.
A woman believes her husband loves her, cares about her, wants to support her, and wants to help her succeed. As she walks out the door he hands her a bag and says, “I made you a healthy tuna sandwich. And I put the umbrella by the door, in case it rains. And put a note in your lunch to remind you to call your dentist.” She kisses him and glides out the door knowing she is loved and supported by someone who admires her and is committed to her success.
Another woman believes her husband doesn’t trust her, doesn’t think she can succeed, and will screw up if left to her own devices. In fact, after five years together she is quite clear that he is a controlling, meddling know-it-all. As she walks out the door he hands her a bag and says, “I made you a healthy tuna sandwich. And I put the umbrella by the door, in case it rains. And put a note in your lunch to remind you to call your dentist.” She storms out the door knowing that once again he has proven that he doesn’t trust her to feed herself, or get out of the rain or even remember to make a stupid phone call!!!
Same tuna sandwich. Whole different flavour.
Hint: The second woman is right about one thing. There is someone who doesn’t trust her, who thinks she’s a loser and an incompetent. But it’s not him. It’s herself.
(Notice how often people can’t stand in other people the very things they hate about themselves. I couldn’t stand how much my mom worried. Guess what my kids can’t stand about me!)
So where to look?
Two places: Consider that people show up the way you believe they will. Consider that they don’t have a chance. The second woman’s beliefs about her husband are based no doubt on the fact that two years into the marriage he did something thoughtless or silly or somehow in her view appalling. He could buy her everything she wants and it won’t matter, “He thinks he can buy me off?!” Or “Doesn’t he know it’s not about the things.” Or, “He’d rather be a work making more money when…” Anyway, you know she’ll find a way to spin it to match watch she already ‘knows’ about him.
The second place to look is: Consider that everyone else is doing the exact same thing. And that the limits they have put on your relationship with them are based on the past. So start asking, “What is it they believe about me?” Or even better, ask them, “What is it you believe about me? What do you think are my strengths? My weaknesses? My assets? My challenges?” And then when they say what they say, get that it’s just their stuff. It’s not the truth. It’s about them.
The tuna sandwich and the umbrella and the slip of paper with the dentist’s phone number are real.
The rest is just thoughts.
And the thoughts are products of the past.
When you can really see that, then you can actually start to choose what you want. Freely.
5 Responses to “The Damage We Parents Do…”
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There are many times I blamed my mother for the way I am today. I know I make my own choices, however, my reaction is to her actions. In my day, ADHD wasn’t heard of to me or to teachers who had kids like me in their classrooms. My mother was a teacher with a very mean streak. As a parent, everything wrong that happened was my fault, I was considered lazy, not trying hard enough and even she didn’t have the patience to work with me at home. I discovered that she had and still has ADHD at 88 yrs, even though she’s in denial. (She has other issues along with her ADHD) Her standards are so high and always expected me to reach them, although I wasn’t interested in doing so. The past was thrown up in my face if we had arguments–and I mean wa-a-ay back in the past. It got so bad, I can honestly say I hated her then. I became rebellious which put me on a roll I had difficulty stopping and it seemed like the negativity of my ADHD was totally in control.
Growing up, I was into the arts. Music, theatre, drama, etc. But I was always interested in working with those who had mental illnesses. I found my niche. I was an activity therapist, then later on a work adjustment coordinator. I’m in another job after being unemployed for a year, as a vocational specialist. I’m right where I’m suppose to be and look forward to my “disorder” to work for me instead of against me.
I was diagnosed when I became 52. I’m a mother of two sons where the younger one has it and I’ve been observing my three grands by him. When I look back, I believe my grandmother had it. I guess I suspected having it for years, but I wanted to do something about it, so I went to a psychiatrist to be diagnosed to start treatment. I’m 57 now, still dealing with my mother, but old enough to know how to do it. I love her very much, guess I always did.
I think it’s a matter of balance.
I’m a very firm believer in looking at what early influences caused me to think and act the way I do today. It’s what psychology is based on, and you need to do it, whether you’re a psychologist helping a patient, or an actor creating a character. But whenever I try to discuss those early influences with my dad or my brother, to search their memories for more details about a particular event to help me understand more about why I’m the way I am, they insist that the past is the past, so why even think about it?
My mom, on the other hand, positively WALLOWS in the past, replaying past failures and slights like a broken record. With each negative memory, she suffers anew, as if it’s all happening for the first time. She can’t stop nursing every hurt, every grudge, and wishing she could get revenge on the miscreants responsible. When she’s doing this, she veers from despair to rage, and it’s very difficult to snap her out of it. When she’s in a good mood, she’s fine. But you never know what will trigger another replaying of a past hurt.
For me, the tricky bit is finding the balance between examining past influences, and moving forward. It’s like looking at a map and saying, “Okay, I know how I got here; now, how do I get to where I want to be?”
i got it Rick
Thanks Rick,
This post reminded me to email my boyfriend to remind him to call the dentist!
I can see your point, at least in the sense that how we think and what we believe can definitely have an effect on how we interpret the world around us.
But I beg to differ on one thing…sometimes it really is the other person. I lived with someone who really WAS controlling, manipulative, intrusive, and emotionally abusive. He’s a narcissist, in the pathological sense. For years I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I defended him to other people, said he had a good heart and was trying his best, and on and on. Then when someone abused my daughter, he blamed me for it and took my children away from me. I’ve spent the last nearly three years being treated like a criminal, even though *I* did nothing wrong and have always been a great parent. I finally realized that I was making excuses for his bad behavior the entire time. None of that changed how he acted, none of that made the pain of his abuse go away. None of it made him treat me like a real human being, and none of it makes him realize how much he is hurting not just me but his own children.
Just so you know. Sometimes bad things really are bad things, and trying to see it as positive doesn’t make it stop being bad. Some people really are bad people, and you may never know the reason why or understand it. You just have to find a way to keep them from hurting you anymore.