The Courage to ‘Come out of the ADHD closet’
One of the compliments Patrick McKenna and I have received is about our ‘courage’ in going public about our ADHD.
I have to tell you, the first few times someone said that, I positively glowed.
But the more open I have become about it, the less ‘courageous’ it has seemed.
Honesty has always made my life simpler. More authentic. And less lonely.
That’s right, less lonely.
And if you’re totally successful at hiding it, so no one knows you have ADHD, or whatever, then you’re left with a feeling that no one really knows who you are.
Secrets require walls. Walls keep people out.
All they see is the mask. So when they praise you or thank you or appreciate you or even love you, it’s not very satisfying because you know they are praising the mask, not the ‘real you.’
You feel like a fraud, and people who love you never get to know who you really are or what you are dealing with.
So they can’t support you.
You could argue it protects you from hurtful things. Hurtful things are overrated. If you keep it a secret, the people who are going to judge it and dismiss it never get to spew on you, it’s true. But then you never get the opportunity to hear their spew, nod, and then enlighten them with the facts about what this is, and what it isn’t. So they never have a chance to grow.
My experience is that it’s easier to be open, honest and state what the truth is. Hiding, covering up, protecting, pretending, acting as if nothing is wrong… It’s exhausting. For example, let me tell you about my friend, Christopher. Several people have used the term ‘coming out’ about their ADHD. Borrowed, of course from the gay community, who started ‘coming out of the closet’ about who they were. The result was… liberation. And Gay Pride.
My friend Christopher was like a blonde John Cleese. He spent the first 26 years of his life hiding the fact that he was gay. Can you imagine what it was like in Christopher’s head, every minute of every day? Brutal. No wonder he was always frowning, always so careful, always so guarded and cynical.
When he finally came out of the closet, pretty much everyone was, “Yeah? No kidding. I wondered. Wanna go get something to eat, I’m hungry.”
No biggee. In fact, it was a relief for all his straight friends who’d been trying for years to hook him up with a nice girl.
Of course, Christopher was hugely relieved! He smiled. Sometimes for hours at a time. He visibly relaxed every fibre in his body. He didn’t have to be ‘on’ and ‘pretend’, going through every day of his life ‘acting.’ For the first time Christopher actually seemed to relax.
Sure a few people were upset. His own father, call him Morris, said, “So you’ll never have a son?” And my friend said, “Well, it can be done, but it would involve a woman who is a surro…” and Morris, clearly upset, cut him off with, “If you have a son, and he turns out to be gay, I will never forgive you!” It turned out to be one of the last things Morris said to his son. Nice.
As Christopher later pointed out, it was slightly ironic for Morris to threaten him over having a son who turned out to be gay, since Morris himself had a son who turned out to be gay. Wonder if he forgave himself?
So yes, Morris was a dick about it. But Morris was a dick about a lot of things.
My experience is, people are who they are despite circumstances.
That said, there’s still a ton of misinformation and wrong-headed beliefs about what ADHD is and is not. So you don’t have to tell everyone, you have to be careful. It will get easier when more people get better information.
Me, I’m interested in liberation and, hell, call it ADHD Pride.
Hmm, maybe when enough people have ‘come out of the ADHD closet’ we’ll have an ‘ADHD Pride Parade’. And everyone will show up late, or on the wrong day, or at the wrong place. It’ll be great!
24 Responses to “The Courage to ‘Come out of the ADHD closet’”
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Wish it worked that way, everyone I have confided in started to treat me different and eventually distance themselves from me. The only one who hasn’t left me all together over it is my husband, but sometimes I think even he looks at me differently knowing. Sorry, don’t completely agree with this one.
@Rick, I think we should join forces with Mad Pride. I really, really do.
I thoroughly relate to what you write about loneliness. Sometimes it feels like I don’t really exist (who am I kidding, it’s not sometimes, I’ve been feeling like this since I was about 6). Thank you for writing about it, it’s another element that I ascribed to there being “something wrong with me” all these years, and now I find that all my behaviors that I (or anyone around me) couldn’t understand fall neatly into the ADHypoD cluster.
@Taylormane, I’ve been experiencing tremendous difficulty in concentrating and trying to do work for my degree. One thing I’ve found helps me is Kelly Howell’s audio tracks, “High Focus” really helps me tune everything out and just focus on the project at hand. After all the other rituals that can take two or three or five days to complete..
I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. . . and I have had very mixed feelings about disclosing. To my inner circle . . . there has been great support. Even two of my mentors / supervisors at work. However – I was advised to also tell the phsycian with whom I worked closely (as my lack of ability to move projects forward at work had been frustrating). . . and tell her was a HUGE mistake. She has spent the last 3 weeks sending tirades of emails to my superiors and undermining me with my staff – trying to get me fired (which she can’t – but she’s made my work life very stressful) . Maybe one day I can be a poster child – but right now . . do choose carefully (especially at work) to whom you disclose. . .
I am not sure if I have add but I suspect I do. I can rarely concentrate on anything for more than a brief period of time and feel kind of helpless. The college I attend has an assessment available but the process will take a couple of months to finish. Does anyone have any suggestions on concentration? Im 31 and feel like I have the attention span of a 4 year old. I recently quit drinking and I feel like my impulsivity and absent mindedness is amplified:(l help!
Well, first, did you INTENTIONALLY put the date as March 9, 2010 or was your ADHD in full swing? Either way, I love it!
I am an ADHDer and I would say that now, after one and a half years of an official diagnosis (after 42 years of living it with NO diagnosis), my Son’s diagnosis (now 9 years old) and my husband’s
diagnosis (all COMBINED type) so you can imagine the energy in our house, that I COMPLETELY AGREE about “coming out of the closet” being a positive, necessary and liberating! Never in a
million years did I think I would feel this way, but I do! Ironically, I am a Special Educator and for years tried to hide the ADHD in my life, my own and my son’s. Now, however, I am open and
direct. I am careful, as you mention to be, but still pretty causal about sharing it. This casual and candid quality has helped me achieve a level of self confidence, acceptance and respect for myself and my family which has replaced the shame I felt when I was trying to hide our ADHD. Telling people has been THE single most important step in my life towards self acceptance, self knowledge and simply put, ME BEING ME!
My son and I can have a humor about our ADHD in a way that we could not when I was in “hiding” mode. In fact, just yesterday, while entering a store with my son, after parking the car, I said, as I always do, which NEVER helps, “Okay, help mommy remember where she parked the car” and
then I said, “I should write a book titled, ADD stole my CAR!” There is NO WAY I would have been able to joke and laugh this way before I “came out of the closet” and I believe that this type of loving and humorous acceptance is very healthy for my son as he grows up as an ADHDer, hopefully with acceptance, humor and NOT SHAME!
Next step: Buy entire family ADHD T-shirts and wear with PRIDE!
Let’s keep educating people about ADHD
JaneFC
pride, understanding and WITHOUT shame! Next thing to do: Buy my family your ADHD T-shirts
and SMILE while wearing them (with pride!). Let’s continue to educate people about what ADHD really IS! I must sign off now, from this brief “comment”, I was suppose to be working before getting on the road, but alas, I spent my whole time writing this comment and now I am LATE……surprised?
JaneFC an ADHD WOMAN who would LOVE the emphasis on women and
we leave the store” and then I said to him, referencing the new book you have coming out, “ADD Stole my Car Keys”, a title he and I LOVE,
for years hid my own/my son’s ADHD to present as the Special Educator WITHOUT special
needs. Now, I simply tell people,”My son has ADHD and so do I.” It feels good! I love being able to be honest and open about it. I actually enjoy letting my symptoms surface every now and then and having acceptance and humor about it.
Nothing has helped me be ME more than accepting, discussing, being open and matter of fact about my ADHD and my familie’s. NOTHING!
myself. I love not having to be perfect. And, I actually think it helps others to hear that I am good at
what I do professionally, at home, for myself, and on the job.
I have been diagnosed for years, but because of my profession it is not a wise decision to come out, perhaps.
I do try to warn people I date beforehand after dealing with countless recriminations. I am interested in dating a psychologist and worry when I tell her she will go screaming from the room. Strange thing is I would tell her up front, but I do consider private information that wouldn’t be appropriate to share immediately, so I wait in this limbo of which date is the right
For TotallyADDiva!! * high five* i friggn love it!!!
Your fellow sistah in health ♪♫
~ ♥ ~ Maribel
First things first !
A big fat *hug* and sincerely enthusiastic THANK YOU to all involved with this amazing & enlightening website/education/guidance… and all the other wonderful tools i have yet to discover here
I am 26 yrs old, previously diagnosed with Bi-Polar & Depression & PTSD.
Never took medication for it though, thank GOD!
I overcame my old & very toxic alcohol & nicotine habits cold turkey last year- (with the help of alot of LOVE of course )
So Im kinda getting to know myself all over again
I was so relieved that all signs pointed to “yes” when i saw this special on T.V during a short hospitilization stay in the kookoos nest for a spout of uncontrolled rage recently. c-(‘.’c-) *doh!*
I even got teary eyed with joy to know I wasnt alone in feeling I wasnt crazy, lazy or stupid!
I just got married to my soul twin, ( who totally understands my kooky ways) I found my dream job at an amazingly high volume/fast paced wellness center..(totally fits my persona)
So my goal is to make sure I reach all my goal & dreams, happy , healthy & confident. No more having to “fake the funk” ♪♫♪
For the first time in my life, I honeslty feel I will heal the old emotional wounds/baggage that were preventing me in truly accepting who I AM!
Im proud to be ADHD dag nammit!
*Here’s to a bright & well organized future!!!
~ Your fellow sister in health,
Maribel
Hello John, (what’s my pin number) Is there a chat room on this site?
I have had very similar experiences (I’m 52). Was not diagnosed until my 16 year-old son was diagnosed and than I had a big AHA! moment. Also had been treated with antidepressants (20 years), anxiety meds…helped some but my mind was always felt fuzzy, distracted, agitated…mood often very low, basically bored with life in general. When something good happens I feel great, but it subsides quickly and I’m looking for the next thing to make me feel good again…new car (about 1 week), new dog (a few weeks), buy stuff (hours)…relationships are tough because I get bored with people very quickly…I’m less bored with myself; need lots of personal space.
so, meds…tried vyvanse (made me verrrry edgy), next adderal instant release, better but not great, more motivated, less bored, but not really more focused; now I hyperfocus all the time and so don’t get stuff done… laptop is my best friend as there’s so much stuff to see and do and know!!!!!
So I’m back to my doc next week and want to try something new but have no idea what as it seems meds either make you sleepy or too alert…I’m stumped too.
***** “”Me, I’m interested in liberation and, hell, call it ADHD Pride. Hmm, maybe when enough people have ‘come out of the ADHD closet’ we’ll have an ‘ADHD Pride Parade’. And everyone will show up late, or on the wrong day, or at the wrong place. It’ll be great!”" ******
I LOVED THESE WORDS BEYOND EXPLANATION. You had me laughing out loud!!!!!!!! they gave me hope and made me nostalgic all at the same time. I hope I see the ADHD parade in my lifetime too, if we could only remember to advertise it! =) …great post
As a parent of a young son who has ADHD, my first instinct it to protect him, to hid his condition, to make excuses. But, as you point out, the more open we are about it the easier it becomes. Not long ago he was in a summer day camp program and at the end of the day, the counselor came up to me and said, “Matt had some problems today…”. After hearing out the explanation and talking about what to do about it, I mention that he has ADHD and that makes it difficult to focus and listen sometimes. The response… “I have ADD too, so I understand. Maybe tomorrow we can find a way to work on it when he has trouble listening.” The point is that if we are willing to talk about it, so are other people. And when we talk together, we can find ways to help.
I have just recently joined the totally ADD members web site in the last few days and have found it very reassuring and informative after reading the content and the blogs posted by other members to see that i really do share similar conditions,traits and issues that other members have had to deal with in their lives and not just because some highly qualified health professional tells me, but because i can relate to some off the stories posted by other members.
After recieving the diagnoses i felt so much relief due to the fact that for the first time in my life someone that i was talking to could actually understand and make sense off what had been happening to me in the past.(My Physcaitrist)she has been an absolute god send.
Then came the anger the hurt and the resentment that i felt towards other people in my life who were allways quick to judge me in the past and pass negative comments but never took the time or interest to try and help me,then i managed to reason and deal with it ,if i could not understand why my life was so difficult in a lot off areas in the past then how could these other people around me even possibly begin to understand what was going on.
I am a 42 year old male that stumbled upon the possibility off an ADD diagnosis after visiting a medical web site for depression and looking for other possibilities and illness that were closely linked to my symptoms/situation/lifestyle as i felt that my GP was wrong with her diagnosis off depression she had been treating me for almost 7 years on and off with various antidepressants cipralex / prozac these medications did help my memory improve and did lift my mood and control my temper to a certain degree but it never helped with the fact that i always got bored easily with almost everything that i got involved in,i never managed or was willing to complete anything that i started if it took to much time ,i always remained impatient and totaly disorganised even till present day.
I pushed my GP to refer me to a Physciatrist ,best thing i have ever done for myself ,after 2-3 visits and consultations she diagnosed me as suffering from ADD and i was eventually put on concerta extended release this did help but not as much as i had hoped after reading the information booklets that accompanied the medication ,one major negative issue that i had with this medicine was it made me even more agressive and argumentative towards other people it did make a difference to my motivation and my memory however the one thing that i was really concerned about was the fact that i felt it had made me a little bit more hyperactive and according to my doctor this should not happen in ADD patients it should have the opposite effect it should calm them down so right now i am even more confused about the whole situation.
Has anyone else had a similar experience on this medication?
I have had MRI scans done ,thyroid function tests lots off blood tests i have consulted with neurologists,and GP i have been on antidepressants on and off for over 7 years just to try and improve my basic functioning, the only thing that makes any sense at all was that i could relate to almost all off the symptoms referred to by my phsyciatrist.
Here is a brief knock down on my past if there is anyone out there that has had similar experiences or believes that i could be suffering from something else then please let me know .
Complete failure at school ,teachers comments on my yearly report cards every year “john is easily distracted and distracts others could do better in class”
I was married at the age off 23 years then divorced at 28
Then i remarried again at the age off 30 divorced by 32
Emigrated to another country at 33 years off age as i could not settle and felt there was nothing for me in my own country(scotland)only misery and more problems.
Married for the third time at the age off 36.
Whatever employer i start working for i feel the job is good and very interesting at the beginning and then 2 years or so into it ,i become familiar with the same faces and routines everyday even driving the same roads and routes drives me crazy,i then loose interest and motivation and look to move on this really has been the story off my life.
Its like when you buy a new car at the beginning you are allways washing it looking after it cleaning it admiring it taking pride in it then you get bored of it start to loose interest, cannot be bothered taking care of it and feel that you need to change it ,for a different model.
I just hope i really have found the answer and that it can be medicated and i can start to get some motivation and focus in my life.
Its embarrasing when i have to call up my wife time and again and ask her what is the pin number for the bank atm machine,or where did i leave that very important document
that i was suppose to take with me when i left for work this morning.
I am constantly looking for my car keys also ,the very poor memory and lack of motivation really destroys me.
John
Thanks Bob! Remember that you can access our monthly webinars from anywhere – here’s the link to take part: http://totallyadd.com/webinars/
I WAS DIAGNOSED A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT I DIDNT PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO IT,
((HAHA) NOW aFTER SEEING YOUR SITE I SURE AM NOW, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ,WISH I DIDNT LIVE SO FAR AWAY
Rig ht now I am in the process of getting an official diagnosis. I am of two minds about this. I have already gotten by with a few decades of not really knowing and people just perceiving as that is just who I am. I am currently taking courses to move to another department and requires a lot more from. Frankly, I am terrified now because it is one thing to have people find you mindly amusing, lovingly idiosyncratic or hilariously absent minded but to be ADHD. Well, there is still a stigma attached and frankly when I hear other people talk about the 10 year old kid next door that has ADHD, they tut tut and say poor kid. He will be on drugs for the rest of his life and will probably end up a drop out or in jail.
I feel this incredible need to know but at the same time, what am I supposed to do once I know that I have ADHD.
I am so glad I just read this. I only found out six weeks ago and I feel like a fake because I have this secret inside that I am not sure how to “come out” with it. The two friends I did tell laughed and said “who knew?” I also laughed and it felt good, for a change. I feel kind of foggy with the medication but I am hopeful that things will get better with time. As I get more comfortable in my new skin perhaps I will let it out gently at some point. What did I just say? I never do anything GENTLY, and waiting is something rare for me too!
In closing I must say that I do feel like a turtle while I am on this Ritalin however I have read two books in one week. Last year it took me nine months to read a book that I barely remember the contents of.
That was a fanatastic blog!
I feel liberated reading it. My mom “Doris” is a lot like Morris. I feel she is unaccepting of it because that would mean there was something “wrong” with her child or worse yet her parenting. I have 2 children an ADHD boy who is amazing in everyway but lacking a “Social filter” and completely misunderstood, and a daughter who I anticipate will be diagnosed w/i the next couple of years judging by her teacher’s comments on report cards.
Til then I’ll keep trying myself! Thanks for the website…it’s empowering!
I want to embrace it! I want to yell it from the mountaintops!! We live in a small city on the east coast and information seems to stop somewhere around Halifax, NS., the only treatment available is medication. The diagnosis explains so much to me but makes little to no sense to others who sit and say “well it’s a choice…just make a better one” (followed by a stern unimpressed look). Would love to see you come out east to help advocate, inform and educate
Totally agree Rick. Those as a person who has an LD as well as ADHD, I think we should have a Neurodiversity Pride Parade. Many of the struggles that people with ADHD have are shared by people with LD, Aspergers, etc, and there’s strength in numbers.
I support everyone as well, Bryan416.
I forget where we got the T shirts. We’re working on setting up a store on the website so we can sell the T shirts, and some hilarious fridge magnets and posters we’ve done up. Plus videos. It’s just creating an online store on the website costs money. Hopefully we’ll be able to do it soon.
Have you ever bought a new car and noticed that a lot of other people are driving the same car? When my wife and sister-in-law noticed my behaviour was similar to my nephew’s (recently diagnosed with ADHD), I went for testing and was put on medication and my life changed forever. I told some of the people I worked with about my ADHD and they didn’t believe me. Probably because I had 50 years to learn how to manage it (sort of). And in the past 10 years I’ve seen ADHD-like behaviours in a lot of people who either don’t know they have it or are in denial.
I don’t mind mentioning it selectively to some people, but I don’t flaunt it. There are still some people who don’t understand it or accept it. Having Patrick and Rick come forward has been great, and I support everyone brave enough to write something on this site.
P.S. Where can I get a T-shirt like the one Rick wore on Breakfast Television?
I feel so free since I’ve been “out of the closet”! I’ve been diagnosed at 40 after my son being diagnosed. I was reading documentation on the subject and realized I was reading about myself! Just knowing what was “wrong” with me since I was a small child was such a relief… For my parents too as a matter of fact. I’ve been sitting in therapists’ offices since I was 4 years old and nobody was able to say what the problem was. But really, they didn’t know anything about ADHD in the 70′s and 80′s. I’ve been medicated for severe depression and am on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist so I would get the right medication.
I am so glad I found this website. Thanks!
Thanks Rick. I see what you mean. I just wish my ADHD would let me get on with it. LOL
One suggestion. It’s in how your phrase it. You are not an Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Combined.
You have it.
Who you are is the person who deals with the ADHD Combined.
Who you are is the person who is up to things and is dealing with their ADHD.
It seems like a small distinction, and certainly at times it may feel like it’s all that you are, but it’s not. Like Asthma, Diabetes, or whatever, it’s your challenge. And unlike so many other disorders, it’s also got some potential upside. Especially when you know what this is and you take it on.
And if you can’t write the post right now, don’t. There’s no deadline.
We keep putting pressure on ourselves, don’t we?
I have been struggling with this very thing. I have had a blog post all mapped out in my head for a couple of weeks now … “Hi. My name is Relic and I’m an Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Combined).” Not quite as catchy as “Alcoholic”, but it would pobably get peoples’ attention.
I understand what you’re saying here, I know it’s right, but I can’t write the post. Weird eh?