In my continuing discussion on humor and happiness, I broach the subject of sleep and it’s connection to mood. We all know, intuitively, that there is a connection. Just keep any kid up all night and see what they look like…duh, they all look ADHD. Really, a brain that doesn’t sleep is fried and can’t focus. But how much do we really invest in sleep? Think about it for a moment.

You might want to reconsider your sleep if:
- you have ever slept at a hotel and got better sleep there than home
- you have ever wondered what 1000 thread sheets feel like on your whole body and you liked their velvet smooth feeling on your hand
- you have ever gone to a mattress store to casually lay down on one of the more expensive ones and liked it
- you have ever watched a commercial on sleep aids and wondered if they were right for you.

Sure you have to spend money on quality sleep, but it is worth it. It is horribly shocking when we cheap out on something that is so important. In my mind there are only three major priorities in life- educating your children, always eating the best you can, and getting good sleep. In these areas, you should never question money. To an ADDer, it is a more critical question. ADDers have no choice but to ensure they sleep as well as they can.

So, here is my advice:
- Get a King size bed because your partner will never want to sleep with a bouncing ball.
- Be conscious of your bed time and your wake-up time and make sure you have routine and consistency.
- Cut out passive stimulation one hour before your scheduled bedtime. If it has a battery or plug, turn it off.
- Read before bed. I prefer reading something technical because it puts me to sleep faster.

Now, about those sheets. Get a set of high end thread counts. And buy the best mattress you can. And pillows. Let’s not forget pillows. You should be able to melt into them with sufficient neck support. And let’s not forget the smell, temperature and light in the room. Have a lit candle (there are terrific battery operated flame-less candles available if you like) with beautiful smells one hour before bed, a toasty bed heated with an electric heater, a wonderful duvet, a cool room with the buzz of a little humidifier, and covers over the windows so it is so dark and you can’t see anything. Put some skin moisturizer on so your skin feels good (not itchy), brush your teeth so your mouth feels fresh and put those little pads over your eyes. Get a comfortable pair of PJ’s and off you go.

Optional factors that would be great would be sex, a massage and/or a whirlpool bath. Wow, are you ready for sleep? Ahhhh. Now who would want to wake up out of this zen of happiness? For more hints on sleep management see our videos “Sleep Management” and “The Bedroom”. I’d like to hear from you about things that you have done to capture the essence of great sleep.

When I was about 45 I took up tennis. More or less by accident. We had bought a timeshare at a place in Florida for the winter. To keep busy while we were there, I took a one-hour tennis lesson every morning—it was a workout AND entertainment AND added knowledge. Multi-tasking!

When we came back home that summer it never occurred to me to keep playing tennis. In my mind it was a winter thing.

The following winter when I got back on the court, I had to virtually start over with the lessons. So it seemed like better economics if I actually took it up year round and kept playing back home each summer. I did, and today, I love the game – really the only “game” I play.

Now I had 3 weeks of daily lessons for about 7 or 8 years until we sold the timeshare. That’s probably more lessons than most amateurs ever have. I was taught how to play the game and actually make good shots. Now, during the winter I play with chums from the house league twice a week, 2 hours a time. The catch is that, until now, I have never made it past house league level of play. Which was fine. It’s lots of fun and a great workout. But I’m a guy, I’m competitive.

Earlier this winter, I thought I would experiment with taking my ADHD meds just before tennis to see if it would improve my focus. Specifically focussing on the ball; which I realized was putting the ceiling on my progress. Well, it worked – the game felt different and my results were different – even my chums noticed. Once I told them what I was doing they figured I should be bringing enough medication for all of them too! My response was that I was just seeing what they normally see!

Usually I only take medication on weekday mornings to get my day headed in the right direction. So this was outside of my routine. That, plus having ADHD, meant that I would often forget the meds until I was at the court – too late!

But when I did remember to take them early enough, I began to focus more on focusing on the ball and it would make a difference. At least on a hit or miss (if you will excuse the phrase) basis. Still I could see the improvement. It was the right direction.

Finally, a month ago I redesigned my play to deliberately hyper-focus on the ball right from the moment the server was bouncing it in preparation… right to the end of the point – even if he was serving to my partner. So now I’m following the ball like an old cartoon, those ones with the heads swivelling back and forth, but… it is working! Big time!

I can now see the ball coming in time to make the shots I had mastered years ago, but had never been able to use. My reaction time is finally as good as my swing. The result? My game has transformed over the past few weeks.

Last week, I saw what I was doing from a whole new perspective. This is ADHD training in focusing-on-demand – exactly the issue that gets in the way in so many areas of life. I wanted a specific improvement in one area, and worked on it. But it’s applicable to anything I want to master. This isn’t just about focussing during tennis, it’s about having a successful, functional life!

I am enjoying a whole new level of well-being… thanks to my tennis!

Malcolm Black, Inventor

In this installment of Humor and Happiness, I think a dog is the right thing for an ADHD family and for ADDers. Here is why:

a) Dogs give unconditional acceptance. Cats do not. Dogs love you no matter what and are just happy to be with you. ADDers need to know that here is someone who cares about them for being them and isn’t interested in anything but.
b) Dogs create structure and appropriate time management. It’s like having a child that never grows up. When the dog forces the structure on you, it has a tendency to structure other things as well.
c) A dog has no concept of time, pretty typical of ADDers, so everything is in the moment. I think this does help the ADDer understand to let things go and move on to the future. Dogs are very instructive this way.
d) Dogs love routine and consistency. They follow patterns and learn habits. If you can train a dog, you’ve learned the ingredient that will change your habits: patience and being positive.
e) Dogs need an owner who exudes positive energy. It forces you to look at your own energy and vibe. It helps to define who you should be at that moment. Since dogs are in the family, it makes it easier to compartmentalize that you are the leader and the family wants to see you in control. The dog makes it obvious.

ADDers need dogs. And I think, even if you don’t have ADHD, dogs make a family just a better place to be.

I know a lot of ADHD/ADD people. Whaddya expect, I work in show business. (And yes, I know, “You call that work?!”) One of my friends, Glenn, is a television writer, a pilot and he’s hugely interested in astronomy. He and his wife Michelle live up north and the number of stars they can see at night is breathtaking.

Now I actually took Astronomy in University, but you know how school tends to completely squeeze the joy and excitement out of things. So when Glenn told me the following stuff, I was amazed.

First of all, there are a lot of stars. I know that.
But Glenn explained that if you hold out a pin at arm’s length … in any direction, including down, it blocks out part of the sky. (If you hold it down, you have to imagine the earth isn’t there, and you’re blocking the sky on the other side of the planet, right? Okay, if you don’t get it, then just imagine holding it up at night so it’s at arms length.)
The pin blocks out a tiny bit of the sky, right?
Behind the head of that pin are roughly 50,000 Galaxies!
Not stars. Galaxies. Galaxies are collections of huge numbers of stars.
Each Galaxy contains an average of 100 Billion stars.
And remember, Our Sun is a star – just relatively close. (But you knew that.)
Our own Milky Way Galaxy is larger than average – approximately 200 Billion stars or suns. The Andromeda Galaxy is even bigger with – best guess – 300 Billion Star/Suns.
Current best guess for number of Galaxies in our known Universe (including Dwarf Galaxies) – One Trillion!
That’s a million, millions!
It’s such a big number it’s only used to describe atoms or national debts.
The majority of Star/Suns have “Worlds” in orbit around them … Planets … Moons … Asteroids … Comets … and various other refuse left over from our Solar System’s creation.
Counting Comets & Asteroids, there are well over a Billion “Worlds” in our Solar System alone. (Over 1,000 Pluto-like Worlds discovered in the past decade {including Eris, which is bigger than Pluto} and that number will only go up.)

Glenn had my head spinning. Like a planet does.
And you may have heard, astronomers just announced that they have found a planet that is earth’s twin in another solar system.
The point of all this… No wonder I feel like I’m overwhelmed all the time! It’s not my ADHD. There’s just too much happening!!!
I’m thinking of moving to an alternate universe.
Wanna come?

This is Part 4 on our discussion on humor. You may have seen part 1, part 2, and part 3 already where we talk about the value of humor, the differentiation from silly and the flavor of sarcasm. The continuum of humor does overlap significantly with the concept of happy. They are not necessarily, mutually exclusive, of course. Certainly excessive silliness does not mean extra happy. Excessive happy is often referred to as Mania, and you don’t want to go there. Mania is a type of impulse behavior that is reckless and clearly pathological. Buying a new pair of shoes on a whim is not mania. Emptying your bank account and spending it at Vagas with your secretary is mania. I think you get the gradation.

So while excessive happy is driven by impulse, that’s obvious, what about the things we tend to get manic about? One would argue that these drives or desires are actually very primitive survival instincts. There are really only five. Can you guess?

Air. Well that’s easy. If you get too much air, you just pass out so you really can’t go nuts over air. Thirst. OK, well, try drinking three litres of water at once and see how you feel. But on a hot day, and your throat is parched, thirst craving is to die for (sometimes literally). Food. Hunger is an impulse. Just look at fat people. When it consumes you through impulse, it leads to an irresistible urge that the person knows is not good leading to self loathing afterwards. It is no longer about survival just a primitive desire that won’t stop. Starvation has been long considered the means to gain self control. Of course, anorexics know this too well. But still, fasting is a part of almost all religions after all. Denying oneself of a staple ingredient.

If you got those first three, well those were easy. What about sex? Yes. We are biologically driven to procreate. Gaining self control is celebicy. Shutting off the internal desire for a primitive need. What about money? Yes. While it is not necessarily money but more the ability that money allows us to survive. It is really the desire for things to survive. Self control over money is called charity and abstinance. Again, a virtuous quality.

Now here is the interesting part. What if you go the other way. What if you saturate us with any of these five things, the desire stops (at least temporarily). Air, Thirst, Food, Sex and Money. If you have unlimited supply, it’s not fun anymore. The happiness ends. So….people who are really rich who have access to all of these five things in abundance, are misereable souls. We should pity them.

Have a happy day!

This morning there was an ad on TV about empowering young girls. (Which sounds like a positive, right? What with Oprah’s girl’s school in South Africa graduating it’s first class this week.) The ad was quite dramatic and clearly not to be taken lightly. A series of girls voices making different pledges. I can’t remember the exact wording but it was stuff like:

“I will not exclude people who are different.”
“I will not lose friends because other girls say they aren’t cool.”
“I will not be pressured into…”
“I will not abandon friends…”
“I will not remain silent when…”

Very inspiring. Or so it was supposed to be. But it just left me feeling weird. (And hey, I already feel weird.) Why wasn’t I inspired? I mean, I have a daughter and my wife is a female, they are both inspiring. I think girls should be powerful.

Read those lines from the Girl Power commercial again… Notice the first three words.
Especially the third one, NOT. “I will NOT…” Totally negative. The ad made them sound like they were stuck in the terrible-twos. It was all about what they’re NOT going to do. All negative, not to mention delivered in a tough, confrontational tone.

Now I don’t know about you, and I barely know about me, but I’m clear that I never feel inspired by thinking, “Today, I will NOT lose friends. And I will NOT be miserable while making crappy TV shows. And I will not be exploited….”
When I focus on motivating and inspiring myself, I have way more luck with, “Today I’m going to make some friends, have fun making great TV shows, and get paid well for it!” Woo hoo! Bring on the day! By the way, I can tell you, I used to start the day with a lot of negatives. In fact, until a decade ago, I lived my whole life from the negative… It was depressing.

It may seem like I’m nitpicking but language is everything. Would you hire someone who spent their entire interview telling you what they wouldn’t be doing for you? Or reverse it, would you work for someone who during the job interview listed what they didn’t want you to do? Would you marry someone who only focused on what they wouldn’t be doing?

In fact, how do you create anything from negatives? What would an architect say? “I’m not going to leave that space there empty and utterly devoid of a great home.” No, she would say, “I’m going to build a great home here!”

Consider if that TV commercial for Girl Power had phrased the same points as a positive.
“I will embrace people no matter who they are.”
“I will be loyal to my friends through thick and thin.”
“I will speak up against…”
“I will be loving and…’
“I will honour my body and my health by…”
“I will take care of…”
“I will take a stand for what’s right…”

Can you hear the difference? WAY MORE INSPIRING!

Can you start to see why every political debate is depressing to listen to, because it’s all negatives: “We will protect people from crime/terrorism/taxes/the state/big government/big corporations/foreign entanglements/oppression/unemployment…”
Rather than, “We will ensure safety for people to live free, be happy, protected, wealthy, healthy, full of hope…” Read America’s Declaration of Independence, feel the optimism.

For those who can remember, President Kennedy did NOT say, “We refuse to remain stuck on earth. We will fight those who oppose us landing on the moon and defeat them. We will struggle against gravity and fight through every technological problem and battle every financial challenge… ”

If he had said it, trust me, Neil Armstrong would have simply been a test pilot who ended up teaching at a university.

Well, of course, sarcasm is a thinly veiled way of expressing anger through the disguise of humor. However, it is very destructive particularly when expressed towards children. Kids might be smart enough to get sarcasm but it is really hurtful. And words can hurt. Silliness, by comparison is more akin to fear and embarrassment, also disguised as humor. Being a goof still doesn’t get you friends just as much as sarcasm does. Most of all, sarcasm is confusing- are you happy with me or what? This is often referred to as the double bind and it creates an emotional tension, akin to verbal abuse. Really! It can be that bad.

Why do people use sarcasm? Sarcasm is not wit. Sarcasm is a coping strategy to express what they feel much like other non-verbal ways of communicating anger (like rolling eyes, dismissive sighing or looking at your watch expressing impatience). It is important not to use sarcasm to express oneself but come true to your feelings of what is happening. Sometimes, there is never a nice way to express anger but sarcasm is like rubbing salt into someone else’s wound. Try this one on, “When did you stop being so stupid?” Is this a complement? Don Rickles, the master of the one line sarcasm, makes people laugh. But would you want to be at the end of that snake tongue? Painful, yes, funny, yes, as long as it is not you.

Isn’t a little sarcasm OK? It might be, if you were watching a sitcom because you are not at the butt of someone’s barbs but, in real life, it is not pleasant. Humor is good. Sarcasm isn’t. I’d like to hear from people about their perceptions. I do appreciate your humor from past sessions. Heard some very good jokes. Keep them coming.

Doctors and scientists call it ADHD/ADD. But what do you call it? How do you view it? William asked me if I view my ADHD as a disability or a handicap. He was asking in the comment stream after I blogged about taking a moment to review 2011 and celebrate your successes. Something I haven’t yet done myself! Ha! You can read my reply, here.

It’s an interesting question, one that instantly has me questioning… are those the only two choices? Either disability or a handicap? A disability meaning something I can’t do. A handicap meaning something that’s much harder for me than for others. Like a golfer who is handicapped a certain number of strokes to make it more competitive. In which case, the answer to your question is, yes, sometimes it feels like a handicap. And yes, on really challenging days it definitely feels like a disability. Other times it’s a strength. Or rather, aspects of it are a strength. Tuning out of conversations is never going be a strength. Even when the other person is actually boring. Or rude.

When I’m brainstorming it feels like a gift. In fact, it doesn’t feel like anything. It’s just … it’s who I am. I can look back afterwards and realize I was in the zone, but at the time I’m being creative or doing something I love… I’m kind of unaware of myself. Which is kind of cool in a way. When I’m aware of myself I’m mostly second guessing what I’m doing, doubting, or mentally berating myself.

So yes, when it’s working for me, or rather I’m playing to those aspects of myself, or rather… when I’m using it to my advantage, it’s not a disability or a handicap. Is that how it is for you? What is it like when you’re lost in what you love? Or even simply deliberately lost in a mindless task, like watching TV? For me there’s a big difference between channel surfing to try to shut my brain off, and watching something engaging.

When I’m struggling to stay on task, or do the boring paperwork rather than something way more fun, then it’s handicapping me. Not crippling me. I can do the boring paperwork if I create an empowering context around it and some structures, but it’s a handicap. I have to work harder than many other people.

Disability? Dunno. I’m not totally disabled. Just, working harder than most people on some things. And stuff that terrifies most people, like walking onstage, no problem. In a way, I have been lucky. I found a career that works. Or rather worked hard to be successful enough to do comedy and television full time.

I know a woman who is a quadriplegic and gets around in her electric wheelchair by blowing on a plastic pipe. She is also a lawyer and published author. And an artist. She had huge handicaps. But her desire was bigger than her disability. And she had a ton of help. As does anyone who is successful at anything.

If your passion is basketball, and you’re only 6′ 2″ tall making a career as a professional basketball player… well, you’re going to have to work harder than most. If you’re 5’ 8”, well, since no team will even give you a try out, you could consider basketball coaching, announcing, training… whatever. Find an area that gets you juiced, basketball, comedy, renovating, whatever, and then find a way to make a career in that. Do what you love… push your limits… and if you’re not willing to do something, don’t make yourself wrong.

For myself, well, I’ve written and co-written, 700 episodes of television and radio. It’s all been skit comedy. I write short skits. Not long 100 page screenplays which require weeks to do one draft, and require endless drafts and rewrites. It’s not that I wouldn’t want my name on a movie. I have ideas for screenplays. I don’t have the patience, yet at least, to pursue them. Disappointed? A bit. Sure. Do I make myself wrong for it? Nope. Hey, I wanted to be a rock star and I got over that.

I hope everyone has started their New Year with my advice regarding Funny (see Jan 2/12 blog post…). Let us continue our dialogue of humour by understanding happy. Of course, happy and humour have a lot in common but they are quite different in many respects. The purest form of happy that I can depict for you is the Arrivals Gate at the airport. They should have an audience section there for depressed people just to see and feel the happy energy. There is the anticipation, followed by the shriek of acknowledgment that someone has arrived and then the hugs and kisses start flowing. I love the occasional person who kisses the floor. I’m home.

Another place of happy is at the finish line or the medal podium. It is an exhausted happy. Sometimes it is so overpowering that the person breaks into tears of joy. Metthias Steiner of Germany did it the best in the 2008 Olympics on August 20 in the superheavyweight class win for the gold. His wife had just passed away and before she died he said he was going to win the gold for her. When he won, he tore off his shirt and with tears streaming from his face he held up the picture of his late wife and said, “Of course, this gold is for my wife….”.

The common ingredient in these two examples is the getting of something and what makes the happiness extreme is the recovering of something we had lost. Just as in my Joke Album Diary example, another little task for you is to document and hold on to Happy Moments. You know this is already captured in the mounds of videos of your children and/or your past, but make it something you sit and hold on to filling all of your senses with the information so that you don’t lose the moment into a snapshot within your life. ADDers, unfortunately don’t spend enough time to remember their happy moments often perceiving them as relief or a passing event because another crisis is looming.

Right now, while you are thinking of it, close your eyes and remember the happiest thing that ever happened to you. See if you can remember the event, the sounds, the smells, the people and mostly the feeling. If you can, put this into words and write it out or dictate it into a message or videotape yourself remembering it. You will have captured it for posterity.

Think HAPPY.

(Click on the picture to view our interview with Olympian Jake Wetzel!)

“I am ADD.”
Or…
“I have ADHD.”

How do you express it? Do you tend to say you have ADHD/ADD or do you tend to say, “I am so ADHD.” Perhaps even, “I am totally ADD!”

While everyone is talking about resolutions and new habits for 2012, I want to step back a bit and look at ‘treatment’ and ‘progress’ from a bigger context. A more strategic view. Perhaps one that you’ve never considered before. It’s certainly one that I hadn’t considered until I was confronted by others who had obviously given it a lot of thought.

It was brought to my attention that when I’m giving presentations or workshops about ADHD I tend to use the phrases, “I have ADHD” and “I am ADHD” somewhat interchangeably. At least, I have in the past.

But to many people, the sentence, “I am ADHD,” comes across as a jail sentence.

Several times this last year after my talk or workshop people came up to talk with me about this. Or to me. Some were quite upset or determined to make sure I understood that what I was saying was wrong. They’d explain, “ADHD is not who you are! We have to stop saying that. It’s something you have! After all, you don’t go around saying, ‘I am cancer,’ you say, ‘I have cancer!’”

At first I felt quite embarrassed. Clearly I’d said something politically incorrect.

But now, I’m not so sure.

Yes, I understand what people are saying and what the underlying concern is. Really and truly. But cancer differs from ADHD in fundamental ways.  Having cancer is not your normal state, nor has it been that way since you were born. Cancer is a disease. It’s an abnormal state. You’re not born with cancer. (And yes, nit-pickers, I know, everyone does have cancer cells in them. Even the healthiest of us, but you know what I mean.)

I was born with this mindset. This is my normal. It’s not something I ‘caught’ or ‘came down with’ and can take a pill to cure. At best a pill helps manage it and give me access to what everyone else calls ‘normal.’

So to me, it’s not so clear. Is ADHD something I have, or something I am?

As well, ADHD is genetic. At least in my case. Yes, I know, some people develop ADHD from a head injury or other external cause, such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or a concussion during their life. In fact, the first kids who displayed ‘ADHD impairments’ and were treated with stimulant medication, way back in 1937, had brain ‘damage’ from an epidemic of encephalitis.  But for those of us who have it in our family tree, where there’s clearly a strong genetic element, it’s all we know. It is our normal. Right?

No wonder it is so under diagnosed. So few of us think anything’s wrong. We have nothing else to compare it to. It’s our normal. It’s how the world has always appeared to us… noisy, overwhelming, too much, crazy, a whirlwind…

Until we are lucky enough to find a medication that works. Then it’s like, “Oh My God! This is what it’s like for everyone else? You people are so lucky! I hate you!”

I don’t want to dis-empower anyone. Or have them feel doomed, trapped or helpless. This is not a jail sentence. However, at this point in my life I’m comfortable saying “I am ADHD.”

Mind you, I was also willing to go on national television and say I had ADHD, whereas most people are terrified of letting anyone even suspect they might  be ADHD or ADD. Or if you prefer, “have ADHD or ADD.”

I’m okay saying I have ADHD. I’m also okay with, “I am ADHD.”

Just as a tall person says, “I am tall.” Or they might state it this way, “In terms of height, I am at the extreme end of a spectrum, in the top 4% of the population, which includes everyone 6’5” and taller. And I adjust my life accordingly.”

Personally, I am not tall.

I’m in the middle of that particular bell curve.

But in terms of impulsivity, restlessness and uneven attention… I’m 6’9”!

So what do you think?

Do you have ADHD/ADD?

Or are you ADHD/ADD?

And does it matter to you? And why?